How do I start? Sometimes there is so much to write you end up writing nothing. I have so much on my mind right now, define a heavy heart; answer is Olayinka's heart at the moment. Maybe my sins are the source of my grief...not possible because the word of God says otherwise, thank God for his mercies as she would always say.
It pains me so that I am a thorough ambassador of FAITH, an apostle of a 'worry-free' life, yet I worry, get bothered. I cannot remember the last time I prayed without asking for an increased level of faith...and grace. As I type this blog, I am listening to a message titled 'Faith & Character' by Pastor Godman Akinlabi of Daystar yet I act like I knoweth not how to live a life of faith. The truth is I am just 'me', hoping to be a 'me + X'. It is that 'X' that i ask of God everyday, every prayer, every thought. I know my weakness, my character, my personality, my person...in short, I am my weakness! Yes, ME.
Maybe I have not given all, maybe I hold back a little; truth is I am who I am yet what I am needs to change now more than ever. A man of faith does not lay his hands on the plough and look back, he does not start and stop midway, he stops at the end of the stretch, the next turn. Procrastination is no different from hesitance...you are either faithless or doubtful both ways. Truth is if you knew the end result of a step, you would either choose to do it or forget about it rather than postpone or think about it. It is so funny how we look at the source of our wrong right in front of us and yet do nothing about it....hmmm, how true is the word of God in calling us flesh.
The last few days of my life have been of great emotional challenge, I have indeed been heavy, on a journey of perpetual worry and self-torture. The last few months have even been more challenging, in those months I have found love, lost it, found it, lost it and found it again. Truth be told, after this kind of 'lost and found', the love becomes diluted, it becomes a source of both joy and worry.
I have changed a lot in these months, yes, I have been (in and out) getting rid of some things and replacing them with others within me. I have met God, I have met love, I have met progress, indeed it is getting better, yet I worry!!!
If I ever publish this post, I believe it is because it rids me of something and adds something new. About a year ago there was a song around, very popular, titled 'love is wicked'. I remember clearly listening to the song then and wondering why love has been deemed wicked. The word of God tells me there is no law against love, it says love is sacred, a virtue, a gift from BABA himself...how can it then be wicked? I start by saying 'God forbid' wicked love, I finish by saying 'Is love not wicked?'
If you read this and it has a meaning, please drop a comment, help me understand even before the story is completed. God remains faithful, even in our unfaithfulness!
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